We’ve met Olivia’s birth mother and other family members, who identify as K’iche’ Maya, and Olivia feels secure in her Maya identity. But recently, after studying DNA in 7th grade Science, Olivia said she’d like to take a home DNA test such as 23andMe to learn more about her genetic heritage. This NY Times article therefore resonated: Marie Tae McDermott, adopted from Korea at 6 months old, took a DNA test and writes about the experience in Meeting My DNA.
ShareThisBook club
March 14th, 2016I’m grateful to live in an area with an active adoptive parent community. Yesterday, Olivia and I drove an hour for “book club”–no matter how many times I drive to my friend Marie’s house, I always get lost–and met with moms and kids we’ve known for years. (Shout out to Marie’s husband who watched the kids while the moms talked. Thank you, Ralph!)
The book discussed was Separated @ Birth: A True Love Story of Twins Reunited, a memoir about two young women now in their 20s, born in Korea and adopted to two different families, in France and the US. The conversation veered, as it always does, from the book to other topics: this time, the impact of social media on finding biological family; the impact of social media on our kids; birth family reunions; trips to Guatemala; adoption and how our kids approach it now, as tweens and teens; how our own views of adoption have developed as we grow as adoptive parents. And on and on.
What a comfort it is to be in a roomful of people who understand the very specific experience of being an adoptive parent. Who “get” what you’re saying, with insight and without judgement, because they live it, too. Thank you, friends. xo
Bonnard in SF
March 11th, 2016
The kids and I saw the Pierre Bonnard show on Sunday. You would have thought I was dragging them for a day of hard labor in a diamond mine the way they resisted, but I digress. By the time we got inside, their bad moods had lifted. The Palace of Legion of Honor Museum is sited on a dramatic cliff overlooking the SF Bay, and views of the Golden Gate Bridge framed by hillsides of redwoods would cheer up anyone. Rubbing elbows with the scads of young, cool SF hipsters viewing Bonnard’s work didn’t hurt.
Either the kids are finally old enough to appreciate painting or we’ve done this so often something’s sinking in, but we made it to the end with only minor fisticuffs. Bonnard’s canvases often include dogs and cats, and spotting them became a game. I sprang for 3 separate AudioTours, which kept us distracted and apart. And as always, the trip ended in the Cafe with a delicious chunk of chocolate cake.
Overall, a success. We recommend!
Keep the faith.
March 9th, 2016When I read the headline “Empowering Girls Through Education,” I thought, “OK! Education for girls in Nahuala, Guatemala! Count me in!” The project is sponsored by the international organization CARE, partnered by the personal-care products at Hain Celestial.
Today I must be feeling cynical, because after reading the article, instead of feeling optimistic, I felt my spirit deflate. Will this program really effect any permanent lasting change in the life of these young girls? Will anything?
Some days I wonder. Some days I believe nothing less than a 100% commitment by the leaders of Guatemala–not aid organizations, or corporate America, or any outsider–will change anything. And will that day ever come?
Be assured, my family supports multiple NGOs in Guatemala–which are all doing meaningful work! I subscribe to Mother Teresa’s philosophy: “Do small acts with great kindness.” I remind myself that no one can change the world, but maybe we can change one tiny thing.
Yet some days, like today, I read an article touting a revolutionary new program guaranteed to lift up and empower, and what do I do? I sigh.
Note to self: Shoulders back while marching forward. Keep the faith.
Letter from Kahleah to her birthmother, on the event of Kahleah’s 25th birthday
March 3rd, 2016
On her 25th birthday, Kahleah Chisholm Guibault wrote this letter to her birth mother. Kahleah was born in Guatemala and grew up in Canada. Some two years ago, she moved back to Guatemala, where she works in an orphanage. The opinions expressed in the letter belong to Kahleah, and I’m grateful to her for allowing me to share. ~
Kahleah Chisholm Guibault 
feeling blessed.
Dear birthmother,
Did you know I never really liked my birthday? I can imagine you don’t much like my birthday either. I always loved the idea of a birthday; the parties, the gifts, the friends and family. And man did I every get the best ones growing up! I like that part of it. But the actual day itself, meh. I could go without. I think its because more than anything for me, for 5-year old me, for 10-year old me, for 25-year old me it marks loss. I know that 25 years ago, in a little clinic at the foot of a volcano, there was no family patiently waiting in the waiting room for the exciting news that I was born. There were no grandparents excited about my arrival. From what I can tell there was no father waiting impatiently to hold me. I know there was no baby shower or celebration during the months I was in your belly. I know there was probably panic and stress and sadness during your pregnancy. I know there was no joy as they cleaned me and dressed me and took me away. I know that there is a probable chance that we never laid eyes on one another.
Did you know that I spent a lot of years being mad? And sad. And hurt. I spent a lot of time thinking that you should have tried. You should have kept me for better or for worst because that’s what moms do. They fight for their children and give the best they can. That’s what I thought I would do so why shouldn’t you? And that wasn’t fair. It took 25 years for me to realize but you did do what is best for me. I think part of it is a perspective I gained form living here. Life is so miserable here sometimes. This beautiful country that I love so much is lacking in almost every social service. Medical care is something that most people cannot afford. Feeding your children is something that is a daily struggle. Malnutrition is rampant in this country and children die every day. The school system is decent at best, and if you are a girl, you are the last priority. Life here can be so so miserable and I realize that that’s exactly what you didn’t want for me. I think the pain of loss overshadowed that for me for so long. The pain of not being wanted. Or at least of thinking I was not wanted by you.
But here’s the bottom line, the truth and the realization that I have come to accept and realize and be thankful for in my quarter century of life: you gave me life and then gave me the chance to live it, to really fully live it. You gave me a father and mother, together. You gave me a brother. You gave me wonderful aunts and uncles, and later cousins. You gave me the ability to speak three different languages. You gave me education. You gave me a full stomach every single day. You gave me a chance at university. You gave me away because that’s what mothers do: what’s best for their kids.
And I thank you. As I sit here in my comfortable home, with a job I love, friends and family who are incredible, I thank you. I thank you for doing the most unselfish loving thing a mother can do. Something that requires so much strength that just thinking about having to do the same hurts my heart so deeply. So happy my birthday to you. The last time we were together was 25 years ago today, but that’s the great thing about love. You carry those you love in your heart every single day.
All my love, xo
Latin American Heritage Camp
February 22nd, 2016Registration opens today for Latin American Heritage Camp in Colorado. The dates are June 23-June 26; the setting is a rustic and charming YMCA in the magnificent Rocky Mountains.
We’ve gone several times and each of us enjoyed the experience for different reasons: the kids because, first, every family there looks like ours, and they sense instantly the deep comfort of that; and second, because it’s fun. They’re outdoors! There’s a pool, and a campfire, and one year, a hayride! The older kids hike and zip-line and compare adoption journeys. Everyone eats together and dances and talks and listens and talks some more. We share a bond, we families through adoption. Everybody feels it.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that more than any other workshop or seminar, Heritage Camp informed the way I approach adoptive parenting. In particular: the panel discussions by older adoptees opened my eyes to what it feels like to be a person from Latin America adopted to the US. As the teens and young adults shared their stories, they discussed what worked and what didn’t, what they know now that they wish they could tell their younger selves, and offered suggestions for how we as a community of adoptive parents can learn from the past and move forward. I took notes and heard, and vowed to incorporate the lessons learned into the lives of my family.
It’s never too late to go to Heritage Camp. Maybe this is the year? xoxo
Certificate of Citizenship, again
February 20th, 2016Certificate of Citizenship, again. Because possessing one is that important!
My friend Caroline Tiffin posted this and gave me permission to share. From Caroline:
I am both an adoptive parent and a former agency founder/director. Over the years since adoptions closed I have been contacted by many adoptive parents who either misplaced their children’s adoption documents from Guatemala or wanted additional certified copies. Some of them had not secured their child’s US citizenship. This week the Adam Crapser case is again in the news – he was adopted to the US from South Korea at age 3; the first adoption disrupted and he was adopted by a second family. Neither secured his US citizenship. He is now facing deportation to a country he does not know with a language he does not speak. I post about this from time to time – PLEASE make sure your child is a US citizen AND that they are recognized as such by the Social Security Administration.
In short, if your child came to the US on an IR-4 visa – meaning if you are a single parent you did not visit him/her in Guatemala before finalization there, or if married, both did not visit, then your child is NOT A CITIZEN if you did not subsequently adopt him/her in the United States.
Adult adoptees are on this page – if you do not have a copy of your certificate of naturalization or citizenship, it is imperative that you talk to your parents and get this. You are an adult and entitled to have it. Leave it with them for safekeeping for now if you want, but you need to eyeball it yourself. If you discover you are not a citizen, contact me privately and I will do my best to assist you.
Adoptive parents – if you need any adoption documents in order to secure your child’s citizenship, or just want some extra copies, I am offering to assist at no charge to you other than what my facilitator in Guatemala charges to retrieve and certify them. I will be traveling to Guatemala in mid March, returning in early April. I am willing to bring documents back with me to save adoptive parents the cost of having them Fed Ex’d from Guatemala.
Here is how it works:
You send me an email with scans of the documents you want, to fourpawstoo@sc.rr.com. (If you don’t have copies to scan ie you have misplaced your originals given to you in Guatemala, explain to me what you need and I will see if it is possible to get them anyway.) Please title the email Adoption Document Retrieval. I will forward this information to the facilitator and she will respond with a quote. If you agree, you send this payment to me. I will bring the documents back from Guatemala and Fed Ex them to you, whereupon you will reimburse me for the Fed Ex.
Available documents are:
– Certified copies of the birth certificate as filed at RENAP, the national vital records department. Generally the cost to retrieve and certify two identical copies is about $60.00 – 75.00
– Certified copy of the Protocolo, which is the last document signed by the birth mother, which finalizes the adoption. Some refer to this as an adoption decree but it’s really not since it is not issued by a court, but, it serves the same purpose. This can only be retrieved if the adoption lawyer properly registered the Protocolo with the government archive; if s/he did not it would be necessary to contact the lawyer, hope they still have their file, and convince them to register the Protocolo.
– Copies of the birth mother’s cedula
– Please inquire via email about any other documents
Note that you can always file, free of charge with USCIS, Forms G-339 and G-884, to get back original documents (and sometimes photos). You can download the forms at www.uscis.gov
Feel free to ask questions [to Caroline at her email, fourpawstoo@sc.rr.com] but I cannot give any quotes except as explained above. If you want to ask me a question privately, please do so via email, not PM. If there is a large response to this and the facilitator will not have time to fulfill all requests in time, I will prioritize ones where the child is not yet a citizen. I will be going back possibly in May, definitely in July and could bring back any remaining ones then.
At the Library
February 16th, 2016My son Mateo and I stood checking out books at our local library when a very tall, elderly white man hobbled by using a cane. The old man stopped in front of the Returns slot, opened his tote bag, and began slipping in books. But in the process of negotiating tote bag, books, and cane, the old man lost his balance, and although he grabbed hold of the counter to right himself, his grip loosened on the cane and it clattered to the floor.
The old man sighed with a sound of frustration, as though wondering how on earth he was going to fold his six-foot-five frame into the shape necessary to bend down to retrieve his cane, and once successful, get back up. My parents are 87 and use wheelchairs and walkers, and because of that, I’m hyper-aware of mobility challenges. Quickly, I rushed over and scooped up the cane and handed it to the old man, waving away his thanks by explaining my folks are 87 and I was happy to help.
“Myself, I’m 94,” the man said, the twinkle in his eye showing he knew “94” was bound to impress.
“Good for you!” I said, and meant it. The man’s gaze traveled past me and landed on Mateo, who had finished checking out his books and was arranging them in an orderly stack. “How old are you, young man?” he asked.
“Eleven.”
“A marvelous age,” the man said, and left it at that.
I smiled because the old man, even at 94, was very tall, and Mateo, at eleven, hasn’t had his growth spurt, and in fact, may never be a giant. Recently, a woman in the paint department at Home Depot had asked Mateo his age, and when Mateo told her 11, the woman turned to me and said, “He’s short, isn’t he? I would have guessed nine.”
The episode confirmed my belief, solidified since becoming a mother through adoption, that people will say whatever they think, other people’s feelings be damned. I was grateful to the man for not mentioning Mateo’s height. He leaned over and looked at Mateo’s stack of books. “What are you reading?”
“History.” Mateo held up his books shyly. “The Revolutionary War.”
“History was always my favorite,” the man said. “Especially the Revolutionary War.” He looked at Mateo and then at me and back to Mateo. “I was adopted. My parents were English, and my birth mother was a Scot. Of course, I’m an American.”
Mateo beamed, and although I was tempted to tell the man we’re an adoptive family, I didn’t. At eleven, my son is old enough to share his story if he chooses. Besides, I was sure the old man figured it out for himself. Instead, Mateo told the old man we’d visited Lexington and Concord and the sites in Boston, and next were going to Gettysburg and Philadelphia. The old man said that sounded splendid.
We said our good-byes, and as Mateo and I walked to the car, he said, “Did you hear that, Mom? He was adopted too.”
I didn’t say, “He probably noticed we don’t look alike. He probably knew without our telling.” Instead, I held my son’s face in my hands and kissed his cheek. “I did hear, Mateo. That is so cool.”
Book: Everything You Ever Wanted by Jillian Lauren
February 12th, 2016An excerpt from Jillian Lauren’s memoir of adoption, Everything You Ever Wanted, is posted on the Adoptive Families website. I read and loved and recommend the book. Jillian Lauren’s voice is thoroughly engaging and real, and the story of becoming a mother through adoption is, of course, one of my favorite subjects. The AF website requires a log-in to read the excellent interview with the author, conducted by my friend Sharon Van Epps, but you should be able to access the excerpt here.
An orphanage in Vietnam
February 9th, 2016A friend from San Francisco, Cindy Bailey, has done what many fantasize about doing (at least I do!), which is sell everything, pull up stakes, and travel around the world with her husband and two young children. Cindy documents her journey in her terrific blog, “My Little Vagabonds.” This week, she wrote about her family’s visit to the Vung Tau orphanage in Vietnam.
Cindy reports that Vung Tau director, Le Thi My Huong, was adopted to Australia at age 5 during Operation Babylift. Very unfortunately (in my opinion), My Huong’s adoptive parents told My Huong her parents were dead, and forbade her to speak of Vietnam. Having been 5 when she was adopted, My Huong remembered a different truth, and returned to her village at age 35 to search for and find her birth mother and family.
In this week’s blog post, Cindy Bailey describes My Huong’s journey–including her own adoption of two boys from Vietnam, now 5 and 13–as well as the mission and workings of the Vung Tau orphanage. It’s a fascinating read.
Vietnam is now a signatory to the Hague, so adoptions to the US are allowed, with restrictions. I personally am not conversant on the terms between our two countries, but My Huong says this: “In 2009 we had 110 adoptions. This year, none, because of those international laws. Kids have to be adopted from within their country first, and the Vietnamese don’t believe in adoption unless it’s within the family.” A link in the article will direct you to the US State Department website for more information.~