Posts Tagged ‘Guatemalan adoption’

Saved by Technology

Friday, April 2nd, 2010

My children wanted a hamster, begging for it in the way they ask for anything small and cuddly and cute. “Please, mom, please mom, please!” They promised to feed the hamster and clean his or her cage. They vowed never to let it run wild around the house and possibly burrow itself into a sofa and make a nest there, the way a hamster did in the home of the friend I once knew.

I was adamant. “No hamsters. No gerbils or ferrets or pet mice.” I explained these animals were rodents, and rodents belonged outside. Not indoors, in their bedrooms, where the scent of cedar sawdust would permeate their clothes, their bed sheets, their hair, and drift down the hall to the kitchen, where I would also smell it. 

Friends I polled backed me up, citing the squeaking wheel on which hamsters play, only at night, and for hours at a clip, and their long, seemingly endless lifespan. “Twelve years!” one friend said. “The pet store told me it would live five years max.” The consensus was unanimous: “Stand your ground!” (more…)

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A Trip to Seal Press

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

If you ask my children what my “job” is, they will say “doing laundry” or “cleaning the house” or “microwaving dinner.” What they won’t say is “She works on her computer all day” or “She wrote a book,” because writing is something I do when they’re at school or asleep. When they’re around, I can’t so much as turn on the computer without their demanding to play on the keyboard or sit on my lap. This I totally understand. They’re my children. They want my attention all the time (except when they don’t) and they deserve to have it. 

Today, after school, Olivia and I will have our own “take your daughter to work day.” My editor at Seal Press has asked if I can come by their offices in Berkeley to drop off a piece of fabric that I bought in Guatemala. A detail from the fabric is being used on the cover of the book and the designer wishes to re-photograph it. Olivia gets off early from school today so I’ll take her along. (more…)

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A Different Normal

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Mateo was due for his kindergarten entrance physical exam and I was worried. Not because of his health: He’s a strong and active little boy. What I worried about was his weight, or more specifically the ratio of his weight to his height and body mass, referred to as his BMI. 

Mateo is not a tall boy. At his last appointment, his height fell just under the fifteenth percentile on the growth chart used by our pediatrician. His weight, however, hovered somewhere around the sixty-fifth percentile. The pediatrician asked me why.

 I confessed I occasionally succumb to the convenience of the McDonald’s drive-through and allow Mateo to eat french fries. But we never drink soda or eat chips.  Our diet is based on fish and chicken, with an ample supply of veggies and fruit. “How about juice?” the doctor asked. When I nodded, he clicked on his pen and scribbled something into his notes. “Mateo should be drinking none.” (more…)

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Milestones

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

I’m told that my daughter Olivia reached each of her early milestones on time. She’s healthy and robust, so I assume that it’s true. The first time she rolled over, sat up, grew a tooth. Said a word, took a step, or blew out a birthday candle. I was told it all happened, but I don’t know for sure. Like many adoptive parents, I wasn’t there for any of it.

My husband and I were luckier than most. We started Olivia’s adoption in 2002, and during those days in Guatemala, adoptive parents were allowed to visit. And visit we did, as often as we could. Over Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, President’s Day, and Fourth of July. Our daughter’s foster parents, who loved Olivia and whom Olivia loved, brought her to the hotel where we were staying and reported on what we had missed. “She’s holding the bottle by herself,” her foster mother said. “She can pick up Cheerios. She likes to roll a ball. She knows how to clap her hands.” And there would be Olivia, baby teeth grown in, pulling herself up, babbling. Each time we saw her, she seemed to be the big sister of the baby we had left behind the visit before. (more…)

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Searching

Monday, March 29th, 2010

I belong to several online adoption groups, and one of the topics most often discussed is contact with birth families. The collective wisdom among list members—at least those who post—is that contact with birth families is good, and the sooner contact is made, the better. This isn’t always possible. In Guatemala, for example, if a child was abandoned at an orphanage, information to identify and thus find a birth mother isn’t available. If a child was relinquished by his or her birth mother to an attorney, however, identifying information is available. With some effort, adoptive parents can access this information and conduct a “search” for their children’s birth mother, usually with the assistance of someone in-country. (Please note: Adoptions from Guatemala closed two years ago; these examples illustrate the system previously in place.)

Books have been written by people who have been adopted and gone on a quest to search for their biological roots. Some I have read are Lucky Girl: A Memoir by Mei-Ling Hopgood; The Mistress’s Daughter by A.M. Homes; Wuhu Diary: On Taking My Adopted Daughter Back to Her Hometown in China by Emily Prager; and China Ghosts: My Daughter’s Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gammage. The first two are written by adoptees who make contact with their biological families; the third and fourth are written by adoptive parents with children from China who return there to discover what they can about their children’s heritage.

After reading each of these books, I felt renewed responsibility to my children to discover as much information about their birth families as I could. Not to do so would be to deprive them of a crucial part of their identity. I didn’t have that right. (more…)

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Dancing Boy

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

We attended a corned beef and cabbage dinner last night, with Irish soda bread, green milk, Pellegrino in green bottles, and O’Doul’s. A young tenor sang “Danny Boy” and a line of step dancers performed jigs and reels. The evening ended with Mateo onstage, in a green hat, doing high kicks. His new career goal: troupe member of Riverdance.

Not exactly what some people might expect from a little boy born in Guatemala. But Mateo is American and lives in California. He’d rather eat hot dogs than tamales. He shows no interest in learning Spanish. As much as we try to keep his Guatemalan heritage alive, he has his own strong opinions.

As I watched my son skip joyfully around the stage, I was reminded of an article I read while we were adopting Olivia. The article profiled another adoptive mother nearby who had a daughter born in China. The mom was relating how she did her best to keep her daughter’s ties to China strong—Mandarin classes, Chinese friends, annual trips—but the girl wanted little of it. “What she’s most interested in right now,” her mother said, “is Irish step dancing.” (more…)

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Truth-telling and St. Patrick’s Day

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

There is much speculation in these parts regarding the comings and goings of leprechauns. “How do they fit under the door?” Mateo wants to know. “Do they swim all the way from Ireland?” Olivia has a classmate who swears she saw something green scooting out from the restroom yesterday. At recess, Olivia went to look for herself, and was disappointed when she came up empty-handed.

Like many children, ours believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and, yes, little green men who speak with a brogue and wear pointed shoes. My husband and I encourage these fantasies: they’re the stuff of childhood magic. What kind of world would it be without reindeer that fly, fairies that fit through keyholes, fluffy rabbits that leave eggs filled with candy? A dreary one, indeed.

Then why do I feel uneasy as I spin longer and more convoluted yarns about the activities of leprechauns? Even as I tell Mateo, “It’s the pot of gold he’s after. Let’s set a trap with this paper cup,” I squirm at my own dishonesty. What happens when Mateo discovers I’ve been lying? That the little green man, the pot of gold, the rainbow–all of it is total fabrication? Will he question the validity of everything else I tell him? Where will he draw the line? (more…)

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Birthday Party

Monday, March 15th, 2010

On Sunday, we went to the birthday party of a good friend we met while fostering in Guatemala, the girl we all called “Baby Maya.” Except Baby Maya is now “Big Girl Maya”: seven years old. She and her mom live about 45 minutes north of us, and we do our best to get together a few times a year: birthdays for each child, definitely, and often around Thanksgiving and Fourth of July. I see time passing in Baby Maya, in a way I cannot in my own children. At each new visit, she is bigger, stronger, taller, with longer hair. I notice those things in my own children, of course, but not as dramatically. (more…)

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The international adoption question

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

I received a questionnaire from my book publisher that said, “There’s a lot of controversy surrounding international adoption. What do you say to people who believe that children from another country should not be adopted by Americans?

The question didn’t surprise me because people ask me that a lot. My answer remains the same: I ask that they focus on what’s best for the child. Approximately 145 million children worldwide are living and dying in orphanages or on the streets, with no possibility of finding homes in their own country. Many will die, or if they survive, will reach adulthood so damaged by their experience, so deprived of parenting, education, and other essential opportunities, that they will be unable to function as adults in the realms of family and work. Countless studies by developmental psychologists and pediatricians prove that a child thrives best as part of a family, wherever that family comes from. Adoptions in Guatemala have been closed to Americans for two years now, and there has been no increase in adoptions of orphans by Guatemalans. There are simply more orphans. Instead of criticizing international adoption, people might better focus their energy on solving the problem of children living alone in the world, and figuring out how to give them the best chance in life. (more…)

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The Pages on My Desk

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

The copy-edited pages of my manuscript, Mamalita: An Adoption Memoir, are sitting on my desk in a box, waiting for me to read through them again for any changes and approval. I worked on the book for five years, but haven’t looked at it since my agent, Jenni Ferrari-Adler, and I made final revisions and sent it off to a list of editors in May 2009, holding our breath that one of them would accept it for publication. In July 2009, Seal Press did.  Jenni called me on my cell phone with the news as my family and I drove down the 5 freeway to San Diego. Looking out the window as as I listened to her relay the details, I felt my future was as wide and limitless as the farm lands of Central California. Selling a book for publication had been my dream for as long as I could remember, and it was finally coming true. The photo above was my view as I heard the news. (more…)

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